Vancouver Hash House Harriers

Feb 4 2012

Saturday, February 04, 2012

The Vancouver Hash Harriers
Run No.1319 of 1415, Saturday, 04-February-2012
at
AirForceArmyNavy Building at 23rd & Main
by
Cream Filling

Cream Filling hosted this run, glorious in all her personalities and gushing with energy and vigor. A heroic few that had decided against spending 5 hours a day in traffic between Vancouver and Whistler assembled at 23rd & Main. Amongst them were, Impaler, M'Alice, Cream Puff, Low Blow, Machej, Big Mike, Abysmal, Chinese Dude from New West & his Quiet Bro on a bike, Roast, Fat Chick, Goes Down Easy, Long Lay, Until Next Week, Horny, Maple Dick, Banshee, Do Me First, Serena, Plunger, Hardon (for five minutes), Analyser, and Woman (large), man (a)(thin), man (b) (medium with spiky hair), man (c)(Indian-style), and Porno Prick - around twenty two actually ran...

We set-off South from the ARFANY, bearing WSW to QE Park, up and over around the Conservatory, then a beer check with CARLING BLACK LABEL - 8% of fucked-up!!!! (a well known tipple for the drunks who litter the streets in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland).alongside 33rd to the cemetary, before heading South across King Ed and E ON IN.

An elderly panel van provided hosting for more CARLING until we were reminded that the ARFANY could loose its liquor licence (and one look around the door will confirm that a liquor licence is mandatory). We huddled in the alley and set-up our wares for Down Downs.

The Hare did numerous DOWN DOWNS but had put in hours of work to make this all happen. We are all unworthy. The ARFANY hosted a splendid burger dinner and M'Alice and Roast both won large packages of meat. Fat Chick ate three honking big HAMBURGERS and won a free beer!

Next week's run is being set by somebody. The following week, the 18th, will be a Steam Bath Run with keg sponsored by the hash. Rumour has it that Captain Hymen Grinder may hare this epic. Eat your heart out, Pylon!
ON ON!
A little Valentines poetry from the hare.




And more


You are a lady with beauty and taste
With lovely boobs and a slender waist
You will have good fortune this year
if you be a good girl
and buy Plunger a beer.

You are full of strength and virility
You get all the girls of humility
You are a man so fun and witty
Now take a girl, grab her kitty, warm her up and kiss her clitty

You, great woman
Will have good fortune in coin
if you caress a hot man's groin
with the hash you should rejoin
to drink, be merry, and lick some tasty loin

You are a lovely lady for sure
Bright and hot and oh so pure
if you want good fortune to secure
then find yourself a wealthy entrepreneur
maybe you should dress like a whore
to add a little hook and lure.
but if you want your own good luck
then you must suck Roast's tasty muck...
until he starts to moan and buck.
Seriously, though, what you must do
Is grab Plunger and give him a screw...
A threaded fastener I mean
I hope a dirty thought you did not glean.
Now have a drink, enjoy he scene
Avoid drunken men who look unclean.

You're so hot you make men's balls ache
You make their snakes become awake
For good fortune do not mistake
Let a hasher give you a shake with his big, juicy steak
Until there is an earthquake.

You're a marvellous man
Cream of the crop
You inspire women to shake their mop
If good fortune on your list is at the top
Then you must take a hasher woman and make her cherry pop
Until you make her flop with your slop.
But beware she might close shop
If she finds you have an undesirable prop
In that case you should use some special op
To make her want to schlop

You are a man of strength and vector
Grown from a well-bred, good-looking sector
Once a girl drinks from your nectar
Your potency will have surely wrecked her

You, hot man, are strong and rigid
A sight to girls so weak and frigid
Once you wave to them your massive gidget
They're bound to retreat and rebound with their widget

Chicks dig you still
Despite your shrivelled testicles, nasty backside hair issues, and habit of not paying the bill.
The furutre looks bright for you
but if you're feeling suicidal,
feel free to put Kreme Filling in your will.

Jan 28 2012

Friday, February 03, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1318 of 1415, Saturday, 28-January-2012
at
Billy Bishops on Labernum, Vancouver West
By
Hardon

Skid Lips (nee Squid Lips), Abysmal, Until Next Week, Mike, Pigeon Stool, Maple Dick, Slumberdick, Sheep Shagger, Manhole, Guy (friend of Jenni-May), Hardon (hare, sans doggies), Rump Roast, Impaler, Banshee, Kiss my Hairy Hole, Dangler, Spermanater, Analyser, Beheader, Not Harvey, Plunger, Jenni-May, Rita (virgin), Malice, Porno Prick and Malice. That is 25 hounds and a hare - not bad for Downtown.

It took a while but eventually the hounds pulled themselves together and off we went. The trail set-off Westerly across the fields towards Kits Yacht Club whereupon it went cold on us. Luckily the hare remained in the vicinity and after what seemed like half-a-day we heard his horn being blown well East of us and so we trundled back.

From there on it was reasonably simple: over the Burrard Bridge, and back across the Granville and South into the mean streets of Kitsilano amongst the wasted and wasteful. After much buggering about in lanes and alleys we emerged from the Kitsilano-Slop into Point Grey where pointless wealth is thrown exuberantly into the hideous mansions which dot the coastline.

The beer check consisted of chips, Pabst Blue Ribbon and sugar-coated jellied fruits - odd, but satisfying. Shagger and Roast had spent the afternoon in Darby's and thus missed the benefits of jogging in the afternoon.

Down-Downs were accomplished on the 2nd Floor at Billy Bishop's. Squid Lips was renamed Skid Lips after reading a detailed description of certain sex acts performed without enough due-dilligence and frankly it could not be ascertained whether the writer was male or female - only that the writer had no sense of smell and was not easily offended. Later in the evening, Skid Lips offered "an evening with himself" as a prize, and was absolutely devastated when the highest bid only reached $20.25 - Plunger and your scribe were astonished at Skid Lip's' drunken ramblings about how valuable an evening with him was... indeed it was reported that one gentleman hasher had plans to tie him to a tree before flogging+f---king him, should he be lucky enough to win him. As it was Skid Lips was won by a delightfully cheery grandmother who seemed quite happy with her prize, warts and all - a happy ending after all... eh? Skid Lips??!

Otherwise, the evening was a complete success with a Hot Massage and a Home Yoga Class achieving a far greater level of take-up than "an evening with Skid Lips".

On On!

Jan 21 2012

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1315 of 1415, Saturday, 21-January-2012
at
Spanish Banks, Vancouver West
By
Banshee

20 hounds and the hare made it to the start of the run. The wind blew cool and the ground was soggy, and considering the snow at Whistler is deep and crisp and even, and that the 'nucks were playing this is an agreeable number: Low Blow & Lucy, Beheader, Captain Hymen Grinder, Impaler, Mike, Abysmal, Until Next Week, Goes Down Easy, Anne, Dangler, Rump Roast, Squid Lips, YFI, Analyser, Sheep Shagger, Plunger, Malice, & Porno Prick all made it, and Manhole showed up at the Regal Beagle after a long day packing for Cambodia.

Roast has given Manhole numerous introductions his many contacts in the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh, of whom many have received his donations. He says she can slip right in.

So, this was a live run, cunning and ingenious, fraught with possibilities but risky for shor-tcutting-bastards such as Shagger and Schmekl. Maple never was able to find the BC and Shagger cut it off so short that he arrived early and almost outsmarted himself.

From the beach we headed E, entering the Endowment Lands via the rebuilt access path and thence in a long loop to the W and NW before unexpectedly looping S and E along the E edge of the Lands, then N before dropping down through the neighbourhoods to the gap in the infamous graffiti wall, amongst the most expensive brambles in Vancouver and possibly the world, and finally down the path lined with steel tubes and odd little bits of angle iron, across the stream and so to the beer check.

Shagger and Plunger were first in, Malice and Beheader last. We lolled in the pale sunshine sipping our beer check nectar and the ambrosia that is Old Dutch chips and Cheezies. Alas, the cold returned in ernest, and we removed to the beach for Down Downs and were promptly inundated with a staggering numbers of dogs: three Jack Russell terriers, a Boston terrier, a Collie, three hairy beasties, and a large dog of uncertain ancestry - WWTF?
The Captain led us in our prayers, and there was much rejoicing. After a decent interval we adjourned to the Regal Beagle for refreshment. A good time was had by all.

Remember, next week is Manhole's charity fund raiser at the Billy Bishop, and this will be serviced by Low Blow and her BBC band, with brilliant prizes, and much, much more, so be there and do some good.
ON ON!

Jan 14 2012

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1314 of 1415, Saturday, 14-January-2012
by
Abysmal, assisted by Impaler
(hash run number amended courtesy of hash historian, Horny)

Ann, Marcus, Maple Dick, Paul, Mike, Until Next Week, Impaler, Banshee, Dangler, Shagger, Cream Puff, Cream Filling, Goes DOwn Easy, Friend of Puffy, Pigeon Stool, Porno Prick, Malice, Hardon with Shitty & Roadkill, Beheader, Aw Fuck It, Captain Hymen Grinder, Plunger, I'll Take the Fat Chick, Manhole & Goatfucker (later), YFI (later), and Abysmal (hare) Yes, folks, that's 23 hounds, a hare, and three late comers - not bad for a cold day in January.

A fierce wind, the odd snow flake, and temperatures just above freezing did not bode well for this run, but let the numbers speak for themselves! Abysmal was busy scurrying along the N Shore trails as the hounds assembled, and so we were greeted and instructed by his inamorata, Impaler.

At last the moment came and off we lurched across Marine Drive and up in to the hills W of the creek, emerging into the sunshine above Highway No.1 before a brief jink W before a long curve to the E and much wiggling and snurgling back across Marine Drive, over the new footbridge W of Fell, and finally to the beer check in the foreshore park. Shagger estimated 8~9 K.

Alas, the hounds arrived a full 20 minutes ahead of the hare and his beer, allowing Porno Prick to make-up for the time lost during his short-cut; which added a good 3 K and twenty minutes to his own personal hash.

From there we retreated to the woods for Down Downs, Abysmal receiving the Hash Trash for late beer delivery, and Hardon and Beheader for being DFL and DDFL. As it was getting a mite cool we abandoned the woods for the warmth of the Hurricane Grill where we received Chatelaine's full attention with free jugs of beer, and a really quite good prime rib special.

At this point the wheels came off the bus and a group of hardy hashers deployed to AFI's for beer and Bailey's, with the result that I am nursing a hangover the size of Montreal. However, much fun was had by all and we finally escaped into the freezing night and back home by ten o'clock! Except, that is, for Ann, Cream Puff and Goes Down Easy who were heading off to Cougar Creek for a meat sandwich...

Next week's Run No.1315 will be hared by Banshee and he thinks it will start from Spanish Banks - watch this page: http://ww w.vanhash.com

On On!

Jan 7 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1315
at
14th at Clark Park, East Vancouver, Saturday, 07-January-2012
by
Maple Dick

Maple Dick (hare), Jammer, Beheader, Cream Filled, Manhole, Mountme, Marcus (returning), Irish Boy No.1 and Irish Boy No.2, Captain Hymen Grinder, Comes Naturally, Banshee, Horny, Until Next Week, Plunger, Dangler, Hardon with Shitty & Roadkill, Banshee, Porno Prick, Sex with the Beast (just visiting), I'take the Fat Chick & ITFC's pal (just visiting), Malice, Aw Fuck It, Abysmal - yes folks, that's a solid 21 hounds, a hare and 3 visiting, not bad considering the weather...

Maple Schmekl was found sipping carefully from a beer, protecting its oral orifice from the rain drops beneath the canopy of an evergreen. Ja, he says, I ran out of flour. Oh, and by the way, a lot of the trail is marked with orange chalk. Anyway, he says, this was supposed to be Analyser's run, so blame her... It is hard to argue with this faultless logic. And there is a Schnapps Check, lots of beer and the On On On is at Toby's - this is all mostly good news and off we go.

Fortunately, there are enough of us to cover most of the alternative routes, and so despite the absence of discernible marks, marks on trees, marks under bushes, no marks at all, and so on we head vaguely Easterly through John Hendry Park, Beaconsfield Park, and thence to the East side of Renfrew Ravine Park for the Schnapps Check on Atlin Street, from there we follow the Skytrain to General Brock Park before easing our way N to the Beer Check in the shadow of Tyee Elementary at 19th and Dumbfries.

Numerous calls are made and received and slowly the pack re-gathers itself to celebrate the profound relief that another of Maple's "puzzles within an enigma" runs is complete.

Fropm there it is a brief skip N to Clark Park and Down Downs are enjoyed by all. Comes Naturally for dressing up in red velour track suit with matching cap and shoes (and not running a step), the Irishmen for leading the pack with unerring inaccuracy, and so on and on.

Eventually we retire to the Toby - and underestimated establishment the talents of whose wait staff far exceeds that of their chef. It is here that we are mooned by "anonymous" hashers, and much much merryment is had by all.

Good on, Maple! On On!

Jan 1 2012

Monday, January 02, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1314
at
Myrtle Park, Deep Cove, 1100, Sunday, 01-January-2012
by
Malice

Your scribe forgot his camera and these are supplied supplied compliments of Cream Filled.

Malice (hare), Do Me First (co-conspirator), Beaheader & Trevor (aka Not Harvey), Low Blow & Lucy, Flat Bloke and Vicky, Aw Fuck It & YFI, Plunger & Creamfilled, Porno Prick, Hardon & Akiko, Shitty & Roadkill, Captain Hymen Grinder & Diane, Banshee, Analyser, Maple Dick, Goat Fucker & Manhole (nursing broken ribs), Abysmal & Impaler, and Dangler, yes folks, that's 20 hounds, 3 wannabees, and a hare. Oh, Monkey Licker and his Significant Other also made an appearance and joined us at the Raven.

The idea of meeting at Deep Cove was to witness the annual Polar Bear Swim and to avoid the humbuggery we have come to associate with the same event at Stanley park - no sodding parking, huge bloody crowds, annoying officials with silly rules, and expensive food accompanied by warm beer - yuch.

Malice surpassed himself with this minor epic stretching from the broad and child-filled plains of Myrtle Park to the beer check above the basalt cliffs overlooking Bedwell Bay. Hashers still heavy lidded from their excesses of the night before struggled to maintain some semblance of normalcy: Dangler distinctly queasy and unable to even choke down a chip or a beer! He was not alone, DMF nursing a hangover the size of Mozambique, and so on. Malice pre-laid the run from Myrtle Park to Panorama Drive, tying into the trails leading onto the Baden-Powell Trail, thence up the hill to the road and along to the B-P trail again and to the Beer Check at the lookout. From there we scurried back along the B-P Trail and finally into Deep Cove for the Polar Bear Swim activities including happy throngs around a huge bonfire and young people - almost exclusively young girls (why?) - who dashed in and out of the water. Plunger, Porno Prick and Impaler braved the chilly waters of the inlet for a plunge - very bracing.

Down Downs were conducted carefully in the parking area although surrounded by kids and their parents and a veritable encyclopoedia of doggy breeds. Even the Captain was tongue tied after the night's excesses but all went well and a good time was had by all followed by a mass migration to the warmth of the Raven for lashings of beer and hot food. From there a much depleted hoard invaded chez Blow for even more beer, much mirth at Do Me First and her 'Onsie' and from there to chez Prick for yet more.

All in all an excellent run and an excellent start to the New Year with swollen livers, blood shot eyes and the inevitable hangovers to remember it by.

Plunger is looking for a hare for next week, call him on 604 842 8601 or e-mail him at robruf1@gmail.com.

On On for 2012!

Dec 24 2011

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1314, 1415, Saturday 24th December, 2011
at
Mount Seymour Demonstration Forest entrance, N Vancouver
by
M'Alice

Banshee, Pigeon Stool, M'Alice (hare), Shagger, Plunger, Do Me First, Mount Me, I'll Take the Fat Chick, Dangler, Impaler, Captain Hymen Grinder, Cream Puff, Low Blow & Lucy, Hardon with Shitty & Road Kill, Abysmal, and Porno Prick made it to the run - 14 hounds and hare.

M'Alice is suffering from the wear and tear associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages, but nonetheless soldiers bravely on. We long suffering hounds watch carefully as M'Alice's carefully thought out plans are revealed to us in halting English: "... I did become a little disoriented as I'm not feeling well, but I think its OK, after all, I did find my way back to the start.". Hmmmm, we think, but before we can react it is time to leave. There are two trails one is marked Naughty and other is Nice. The 'Nice' is too easy even for Dangler and the 'Nice' people join the 'Naughty' ones for a quick sprint up the trails on the E side of Lillooet Road N to the Baden Powelll Trail crossing, then briefly on the B-P before dropping down to the river, and along the E bank to Inter-River Park for the beer check. This takes a mere forty minutes and in no time we are back at the start for Down Downs. The run has ceased and our feet are barely wetted!

Down Downs are somewhat compromised by the lack of beer as no-one has thought to organise it... Malice has a twelve-pack tucked away and we drink this gratefully. Hardon has prepared song sheets and we sing/hum/mime verses of songs ranging from the awful to a couple of real corkers at the end.

M'Alice has prepared a roasted turkey and those that can retire to Chez M'Alice for egg-nog, turkey and trimmings...

On On!

Dec 17 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1313 of 1415, Saturday, 17-December-2011
at
Jonathan Rogers Park, Vancouver
by
Captain Hymen Grinder

The throngs of hounds were slow to coalesce for N0.1313 - no doubt the lethargy induced by frequent celebrations marking the Advent and subsequent dilution of the blood, perhaps the inexorable progress towards 2012, even the discovery of the 'God Particle', maybe the discovery of another earth on the far side of the galaxy - whatever the reason it was nearly 1500 by the time the pack was herded together and given the necessary instructions: "this is a Mount Pleasant Run". Off we toddle, North towards Science World, a jog into the City and then East along the mean streets to Strathcona and a Fireball Shot-Check, and on into Mount Pleasant concluding with a beer check on the high side of China Creek Park.

Dangler, Analyser, Banshee, Beheader, Trevor (later), Pylon, I'll Take the Fat Chick, Squid Lips, Goes Down Easy, Aaron, Low Blow & Lucy, Cream Puff, Captain Hymen Grinder (hare), Roadkill with Hardon & Shitty, Pigeon Stool, Kiss My Ass (gurning), Maple Schmekl, Porno Prick, Sheep Shagger, Plunger, Cream Filled, Manhole & Goat Fucker (later) all made it.

Despite the location or perhaps because of our frequent hash induced jogs around the area this was a pleasant run, well marked and paced with surprisingly little separation between the fit bastards at the front and the fat ones at the back. Maple Schmekl and Shagger arrived early at the beer check but were confused by the marks beyond it and had to use their 'phones to make it in time for a beer.

After some happy slurping we retired to the South side of Jonathan Rogers Park for Down Downs in the gathering gloom, to enjoy Down Down beers from tinnies - the first time for many a long month. R&B shut early, and Storm closed it's doors at 1100! Hares are reminded of the Seven Ps: Prior Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

After much happy imbibing we adjourned to a pub on Alberta at 2nd (The Sin Bin?) for burgers and beers. Shagger and Porno then cycled home in pouring rain... what fun.

None-the-less an excellent afternoon, good job CHG! On On to Christmas! The next run will be by Malice and it is believed, but by no means confirmed that it will be on the North Shore. go to http://www.vanhash.com/site/ for details.

Dec 10 2011

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1312 of 1415, Saturday, 10-December-2011
at
14679 106A Street, North Surrey
by
Plunger, ably assisted by the delightful Cream Filled

Marcus (virgin), Dangler, Sex with the Beast, Shagger, Mountme, Plunger (hare), Maple Dick, Until Next Week, I'll take the Fat Chick, Hardon with Sombrio & Chin, Beheader, Malice, Banshee, Kiss My Ass, Aaron (later), Cream Puff, Goes Down Easy, Long Lay, Captain Hymen Grinder, Manhole, Goat Fucker (later), Cream Killed, Low Blow, and Porno Prick. Yessir!

A magnificent 22 hounds, and a couple of late comers helped Plunger celebrate his 50th Birthday with a run around Surrey followed by party activities at Chez Plunger. Kiss My Ass brought brownies, but forgot to (a) use self raising flour, and/or (b) did not put any yeast in the mix - however, like a flock of starving gannets hashers threw themselves into KMA's shoe box (toe fungus?) for 2nds and even 3rds!

Now, I don't want to hurry on with the run write-up, but I suspect that you, just like me, are more anxious to relive the sordid details and high excitement as the evening progressed from shivering with cold to that delicious shiver of anticipation that accompanies stupidity, really good drunk and dirty sex, fifteen people in a hot tub, 3 kegs of beer, shooters, significant quantities of vodka, liqueurs and so on.

So, according to the pundits the weather would be dreadful, but in fact it remained merely cold and damp. The rain stopped as we left and held off until we were all ripped. Plunger had cleverly devised Turkey and Eagle trails and prelaid the latter. In essence we did parts of 2008, 2009, and 2011 trails, but instead of going down into the ravine bounded by Caledonian, Currie and Wallace Drives from the South we entered from the North end, and ended up at the beer check in the parking lot of the park at 144th and 105A Av.; which is exactly where it was supposed to be. I'll take the Fat Chick was DFL.

Now we've got that out of the way...


The gang reassembled at Chez Plunger for Down Downs which predictably required the active participation of just about everyone more than once. Once that was done we got down to the serious business of munching roast turkey and all the usual accompaniments including massive quantities of Plunger's home-cooked apple pies. Did I mention the B52s, Chocolate vodka, Baileys Irish cream, and sundry other cocktails, the three kegs of ale and the dozens of cans of beer, boxes and bottles of wine, and so on? Now, Manhole is a very demanding woman - she has high standards and demands the same from Goat Fucker. In fact, Manhole has been heard to say that if she sees GF even looking at another woman's breasts she will perform a Lorena Bobbit on GF's manly appendage. Well, imagine GF's surprise when reviewing Plunger's new tablet-pictures he sees not one, not two, not three, but four hashers entertaining themselves by jumping face first into the delightful hills and valleys that decorate Manhole's chest... to lick of cream and drink B52s.

Not much time passed before the main event began with a mass migration to the hot tub. This little oasis of hot and steamy water quickly became a mecca for the worn-out and weary hashers, Captain Hymen Grinder illustrated the silly walk, hurled freezing water over the 'tubbers, and was chased and punished by Kiss My Ass while Manhole held the hose pipe ready to repel boarders. Fortunately Malice had a bottle of Chocolate-Vodka which he shared with the tubbers, 'specially Goes Down Easy who chugged a good 40% of it and immediately became the equivalent of a rubber duck in a hot bath: buoyed by her own "ass-ets" but incapable of independent thought or movement. Shagger kindly kept her head above water, although later a number of people suggested that it would have been a blessing if he had not done so. This became a small concern later on and many volunteers joined hands to lift her out of the tub and into Goat Fucker's and Manhole's bed. Manhole started rambling in incoherent Glaswegian about the unfairness of it all, and an exhausted Goat Fucker was put to bed in Plunger's and Cream Filled's bed. Now I'm fairly sure that Puffy and Easy are not dating, but needs must be met, and they were. Manhole's air-mattress sighed like fart cushion while they hammered away carefree. Many, many visitors took the time to investigate and were rewarded with glimpses of real passion as distinct from the farmyard grunts and gurgles, slaps and snorts which accompanied most of the performance. One person was heard to remark that what they were doing was "dirty"; which swiftly drew this response: "if it ain't dirty you ain't doing it right..." - 'nuff said!

Later on Puffy and GDE were persuaded to leave the congealing sheets and sagging air mattress for the floor of the living room, allowing Manhole and GF to reach nivarna themselves. Manhole could be heard blowing something, and one could just make out GF saying something like: "yeah, its really hard now...". No doubt it was the air mattress requiring a top-up. Now, in Glasgy Saturday is a time of celebration and celebration is always followed by a Vindaloo Curry washed down with twelve pints of lager. The body often refuses to retain this interesting combination and the still fabric of the night is torn with impressive recitations of the countries of South America - uruguayparaguayboliviachileperudbrazilargentina, Africa - malibeninbotswanalesothonamibia, and so on, and of course every foot of pavement is prettily enzyme-etched and decorated with technicolour yawns. And so it was with Goat Fucker - we all lay awake listening to the bowl-amplified recitation, a sort harooooom noise followed by a vraghhhhhhhh. Sleep proved difficult.

Upstairs Dangler, Cream Filled, Maple Schmekl, Porno Prick, Sex with the Beast, Low Blow, Cream Puff and Goes Down Easy bedded down for the balance of the night. Maple and Porno in swing-back chairs which reminded Maple of Turkish Airlines and catamites. We all of us lay awake whilst Dangler's farts could be heard filling his sleeping bag with warm air, Goes Down Easy kept hunting for something of Cream Puff's for so long that when the rustling finally stopped we actually started to miss the noise. At some point Plunger appeared in the room with his tablet and started making notes - unfortunately for Cream Filled and Dangler he fell asleep leaning against the bookcase and fell full length on their reclining forms. This earned much sympathy for Dangler and Cream Filled and drew energetic applause from everyone else.

Dawn finally broke and we were rewarded with this disturbing sight: who am I? Where am I? WTF? In any case, a good time was had by all, well done Plunger and congratulations of reaching your 50th - we can hardly wait for the 51st!

Next week's run will No.1313 and will be hared by courtesy of Captain Hymen Grinder. Is this an auspicious number I wonder? On On!

Dec 3 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1311 of 1415, Saturday, 03-December-2011
at
Canyon Height Elementary School, Highland Boulevard, North Vancouver
by
Aw Fuck It & YFI



Kiss My Hairy Ass Cheeks, Maple Dick, Henrik, Dangler, Scrum Guzzler, Low Blow & Lucy, Sheep Shagger, Abysmal, YFI (hare), Impaler, Squid Lips, Special Needs, Goes Down Easy, Aw Fuck It (hare), Comes Naturally, Banshee, Porno Prick, Beheader, Analyser, Plunger, Cream Filled, Roast, Until Next Week, Maple Dick, Pigeon Stool, Trevor (later), Goat Fucker & Manhole (later) - yes, folks, that's a staggering 24 hounds, 2 hares and three social climbers. The weather co-operated and provided nothing short of spectacular conditions for a hash run - +3C, dry and the odd glimpse of a pale sun.

Aw Fuck It and his inamorata set this run employing only good thoughts and organic beer. I shall let our impressions speak for themselves. We set off into the gullies, ravines and valleys that N Vancouverites have used for centuries to travel amongst their tightly knitted communities, crossing the odd bit of asphalt now and again before plunging back into the bushes and along side the babbling brooks, sighing streams and placid ponds that dot this part N Van. Upper MacKay Park first, then back to the creek, and emerging on Skyline before dropping back down for the beer check off Mount Royal - 8.5 Km according to some, but I would guess about 10+ Km.

The usual suspects, notably Maple Dick, failed to find the beer check, it being hidden beneath a canopy of trees at the side of the road. Happy slurps could be heard emanating from the quivering bushes as the hounds sucked greedily upon their cans of fresh, cold, beer, moistening fistfuls of those weird Pringle chip-thingys that come in tubes of cardboard and that seem to be made of the same material as those very same tubes.

As the dusk drew in we adjourned to Canyon Heights Elementary for Down Downs and various punishments were handed out for all sorts of infractions: Scrum Guzzler is returning to Nebraska and Henrik is going with her before returning to Munchen, Low Blow is playing at the Bistro tonight and needed her whistle to be wetted, and so on and so on.

At last we set off for Pemberton Station for beers and buns, followed by a trip to Chez Banshee for beer and finally to The Cottage Bistro for an evening of culture courtesy of Low Blow and her band, The Nightcrawlers (?). Manhole has been released from her penitence in 100 Mile House, but only for a probationary period and must retrurn before dawn on Monday - I don't know who Dawn is but I've heard that she is a bit of a goer.

Comes Naturally was cut-off by the Bistro after what seemed like only a few seconds of interaction with Yo-Yo and other staff members. Eugene wields his authority with aplomb and diplomacy but he also carries a big stick... Beheader came as some strange female that we have never seen before and our thoughts turned to Trevor...

All in all an excellent run followed by a splendid evening's entertainment with YFI performing acrobatically on the dance floor and a steady descent into rambling incoherence by the rest of us. Well don AFI & YFI!

Next week's Run No.1312 celebrates Plungers birthday - turkey, hot tub, cold beer and Cream Filled unrestrained by the prospect of travelling home with a small bladder and a long bus ride - yippeeeee! It doesn't get any better than this so be there or be square.

On On!

Nov 26 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1308, 1415, Saturday, 26-November-2011
at
Iona Beach Regional Park, Vancouver Airport
8 Celsius, 92% humid, E winds of 26 Km/h, Rainfall Warning in Effect!
by
Kiss My Furry Butt

Captain Hymen Grinder, Hardon with Shitty and Roadkill, Kiss My Hairy Butt Cheeks (hare), Squid Lips/Freddie Mercury, Plunger, Dangler, Shagger, Aw Fuck It, Beheader, Malice, Errin and Murphy, & Porno prick all made it to the start of the run. We had set out hours before for the hard trek across the entire city, followed by the labyrinthine passages over and around the airport required to access this little bit of Vancouver tucked away on the shores of the deep, green, greasy Fraser River tributaries.

Massive sewer pipes march off into the falling rain, full of shit and destined for the mouths of hungry salmon and dungeness crabs. We assemble within the heated public toilets and occasionally look around outside to see if the pack has assembled itself. Finally, the moment comes. Kiss my Ass speaks to us in that way she speaks, and we are all deeply impressed both at her command of the lingua franca and of the traditions of the hash - flour here, ribbons there, checks, back checks, falsies and all that stuff: "... do not," she says, "run back to the car park when you pass by it, but keep going or you will miss the beer check. Oh, all the flour is on your right hand side, eh, except when it's on your left hand side..."

Indeed, she has pre-laid this run and is dressed in the style of Irene Cara in the seventies flick called FLASHDANCE. We are drowning in rain. Finally, the moment arrives and off we plunge into the wetness beyond the bogs. We traipse along the sewer pipe heading E and after a few minutes we dive off to the left and follow the fence line out to the North Arm Jetty and then NE until our hats float off.

Some pathetic specimens short cut, but the real men and Beheader plunge on whilly nilly to the end. Reversing course at the end of the North Arm Jetty and running in the sand back to the car park, and then we jink ENE onto the PLOO (pipe-line-ocean-outfall), rhymes with 'pooh', and plod along the causeway to the bus shelter for ample quantities of beer and chips.

Before not very long we adjourn to the men's bogs for warmth and companionship, but are persuaded against our better judgement to occupy the women's; which is totally free of odour - unlike the men's... Hardon is deeply perturbed by someone stealing his can of beer, and loudly curses them with long, hanging and very painful anal hernias, only to discover that he has in fact left his beer inside his vehicle. Hmmm.

Beer flows freely and we are all happy, and Kiss My Hairy Bottom receives 7/10 for a good effort despite mixing-up back checks with falsies, excessive distance (once) between checks and first flour, and finally for flouring a log which is busy floating off into the 'oggin - indeed, such is the poor mental state of certain hashers that they have to be restrained from plunging into the chilly waters. The Mou-Fuckers (have I got this right?) are proudly displaying their facial hair.

The hash trash is still missing, so is Goat Fucker. Man Hole is marooned in 100 Mile House. Hardon lost his keys and found them again, but had to blow Squid Lips to get them back. Luckily he is a swallower and finds that soup is all he requires at the On On On. We finish our libations and retire to the Flying Beaver for 22 oz beers and $15 burgers. Well done Kiss My Ass. Next week's run is somewhere else.

On On !

Nov 19 2011

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1307 at 1415, Saturday, 19-November-2011
at
Myrtle Park, Deep Cove
by
Cream Puff & Goes Down Easy

It is f'ing cold. The phone rings: "ya, this is Maple, whaaat ze fuyck is going on, there's no vone else here". Me: "Maple, did you adjust your clock?". Maple: "yeah". Me: "so why 1315 then?". Maple: "you mean its 1415...?" As a gesture of friendship I leave a little early and arrive to find Hr.Schmekl laying on his bonnet like a sheik in his harem, basking in the warm sunshine. Pigeon Stool is next and we realise that we have 190 years cumulatively.

Myrna (virgin), Kiss my Ass, Pigeon Stool, Impaler, Plunger, Mountme, Low Blow & Lucy, Shagger, Abysmal, Dangler, Maple Dick, Goes Dowwwwn Easy & Cream Puff (hares), Aw Fuck It, Beheader, Hardon with Shitty & Roadkill, I'll take the Fat Chick, Malice, Analyzer, Banshee & Porno Prick all made it to the run, that's 18 hounds and two hares.

Cream Puff & Goes Down Easy suddenly appeared at the edge of the circle, sweating slighting and adjusting their clothing. We stare at them hopefully, but they keep it on! It is quite chilly, probably right at 2 Celsius, we are impatient to leave, the whiners are whining... you know who you are, or do you...? Suddenly its time for the off and we stumble off after lengthy and precise instructions from the hare.

This is an area that requires a good bit of research to get right, but Creamy and Easy have put together an interesting meld of trails connected by short stretches of road that loops E towards Burrard Inlet, briefly S and then positively W across Deep Cove Road and N parallel to Deep Cove Road before crossing Badger through the centre of town into Deep Cove Park, Cove Cliff Park, up the cliff and on to the beer check. Alas, a few stragglers were caught where the in and the out trails passed close to one another, but the hares kindly uprooted the beer check from it's beach side pier head back to the park.

Anyway, all good stuff and much enjoyed. Hardon managed to perform a spectacular arse-over-tea-kettle manoeuvre, Beheader arrived late but somehow managed to find a trail, and a good time was had by all and at the end of the beer check we dragged the keg out of Hardon's vehicle for a noisy circle overseen by Banshee and then Porno Prick - this was somewhat foreshortened due to the quickly cooling temperature but everyone got their just desserts, even the bald mofoes.

The On On On was at the Raven. Next weeks will be Run No.1308 by Kiss My Ass and she is threatening to hold it at Iona with the O On On at the Beaver. Should be a good'un, so be there or be square.

On On!

Nov 12 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1306, 1415, Saturday, 12-November-2011
at
Grouse Parking Lot No.2
by
Banshee

Gentlemen and Others, greetings from the warmth of my living room. So, Impaler, Aw Fuck It, Mountme (not in Sudan, yeah!), YFI, Shagger, Abysmal, Pull My Hose, Edmonton Cock Person No.1, Dangler, Curry Crotch, Girl from Edmonton with Nice Knockers No.1, M'Alice, Girl from Edmonton with Nice Knockers No.2, Pigeon Stool, Porno Prick, Pigeon Stool, and Banshee (hare) - and Hardon with Shitty and Roadkill, and Sex with the Beast who never even got out of the car, 17 hounds and a hare made it to the start of the run - 19 if you count the other buggers.

Just extraordinary weather: 3 degrees Celsius, driving sleet, and rain. Did I say it was fucking cold? The car park at Grouse was like the dairy cooler at COSTCO: one would only visit there from necessity or to follow a skimpily clad babe.

Banshee, our wonderful hare, suffered on this run. Firstly, his photocopied map on cheap paper from a well known American electronics company melted more quickly than ice cream in the navel of one of Roast's Cambodian 'charities'. Then, he became disoriented, fearful of Frodo's trees and worried that we might become lost under the forest's canopy he thought to himself: "yes, I will make them run on pavement" - bastard.

Finally, soaked to the skin, them, not me, we staggered off S, then E, then S, then W to the Cleveland Dam Parking Lot for the beer check, and finally back to the parking lot. We did not cross a trail, step on root, nor did we pass under a tree - the mind simply boggles: we could have done this in the place where Banshee parks his bloody car. Not everyone made it to the beer check, but almost everyone. Aw Fuck It and Porno Prick shortcutted, yeah, right, and ran an extra 2 Km - estimated run length 8~12 Km depending upon whether or not you subscribe to Shagger's GPS or to Pull My Hose' GPS.

Down Downs were accomplished from the rear of Hardon's vehicle, pleasantly warm and served with love and affection by the hare and his assistants. Not much was accomplished, it being cold and scary as dusk fell. Nervous laughter lubricated Dangler but the rest of us piled into the beer quickly - after all, carpe diem, the hare was punished, visitors received their libations, Curry Crotch was honoured for something. Songs were sung, Shagger went home, Mountme went home.

Abysmal and Impaler were heading Downtown across the Lion's Gate for a French-Movie-With-Subtitles followed by a sensual chocolate experience, but once within the grip of the Pemby all plans were forgotten. They are probably clasped in a deep embrace as we speak...

The Pemby has confusing complexities in it's menu: designated driver gets a free meal and drink, jugs are two for three but the third is loaded into the other two, etc. etc. Luckily we were able to quaff two of the enormous jugs and I'm sure that our waitress had other enormous jugs just waiting for us.

Well done, Banshee! Next week's run will be No.1307, hared by Cream Puff & Goes Down Easy
see http://www.vanhash.com/site/ for details.
On On !

Nov 5 2011

Sunday, November 06, 2011

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1306 of 1415, Saturday, 05-November-2011
at
Douglas Park, Heather and 22nd Ave, Vancouver
by
Rump Roast

Roast is leaving for Thailand next week, he will employ prophylactics imaginatively to keep the free water out that is trying to get into Bangcok. Roast keeps talking about getting his bilges pumped, so I think he must be going to Bangcok to help drain the floods away? His going-away present to us was this nice run on a beautiful day which employed the hairy tennis ball technique and a tiny, 2.5 Kg bag of Robin Hood's flour.


Aw Fuck It, Dangler, Hardon with Shitty & Road Kill, Swish (visiting), Impaler, Abysmal, Banshee, Manhole, Goes Down Easy, Analyser, Sex with the Beast, Sheep Shagger, Victor (virgin), Roast (hare), Porno Prick, Do Me First, Low Blow & Lucy, Maple Dick and Beheader (later) - 18 hounds and a harer - all made it to the run.


The run started at the SE corner of Douglas Park and proceed S towards False Creek with a back check at the N end of the Granville Bridge. That back check directed the hounds towards the Cambie Bridge and thence wigglely-wagglely up hill on the E side of Cambie for a beer check at the school located at the NE corner and one block over from the park. Onlky one hound made it to the back check on the Granville Bridge, but almost everyone except that hound seemed to find the flour at the S foot of Cambie Bridge and only the virgin got lost... Estimated length of run about 13.5 Km.


The beer check was conducted with civility and chips and Shagger received much sympathy for somersaulting over his foot, twisting an ankle, grazing his knee and bleeding from sundry penetrations. Swish had got up at 0400 that morning and caught no less than 10 wonderful salmon which he thoughtfully released back into the Squamish River, AFI seemed slightly the worse for wear but WTF?


Down Downs seemed easier to deal with where we were so Manhole kindly brought the beer to us and we piled into it with reckless abandon to build up sufficient energy to overcome the chill which developed as the sun sank over the horizon. Manhole is feeling very sad as her cousin passed away suddenly at a very tender age, hugs and support, please.


We adjourned to the Fairview Pub for the On On On - all self-serve as no waitress, and enjoyed what Banshee described to us as the best hamburgers in the city. This may explain why Banshee is behind the camera and not a food critic in front of it.



Next week's run will be hared by Banshee and the location is to-be-advised - Manhole requested a trail run, and we echo her sentiments - what is the point of running on Saturdays if the best we can do is waddle around the city?


On On !

Oct 31 2011 Halloween

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1305 @ 1815, Monday, 31-October-2011
at
Phibbs Exchange, West Side, N. Vancouver
by
Low Blow & Do Me First

So, Pigeon Stool, Cream Filled, Cream Puff, Goes Down Easy, Do Me First! (hare), Squid Lips, Low Blow (hare), Goat Fucker, Manhole, Scrum Guzzler, Heinrik (virgin), Gary (virgin), Pylon & Pero, Aw Fuck It, Plunger, Porno Prick, Nick (briefly) assembled themselves carefully in the parking lot to the West of Phibbs Exchange. Sundry characters alighted or embarked on numerous diesel buses and it was bloody cold - 3 degrees Celsius!

Costumes ranged from the well worn, typified by Creampuff's appearance as a gay 1970ies skii-bum, through the slightly riske as personified by Manhole in dirndl skirt and splendid decolletage (big knockers, to you) and our ever-so slightly edgy Do Me First! in her skimpy cheerleader outfit mmmnn yum yum, and so on to farmer Bob/Chainsaw dude - Plunger, a friesian cow/Serbian sniper by Squid Lips, and then various disconcertingly elusive costumes with neither context nor message such as Scrum Guzzler, Heinrik, and Goat Fucker who came as a beer keg (I know this: it was printed in large letters on the front) with a sort of hunnish helmet on his head and so on. Pigeon Stool defied a catergory as he might have been anything from Pinochio-through-leprechaun-via Maid Marion-to-panto, but even he was outdone by Pylon who appeared to be dressed as himself.

Suffice it to say a grand time was had by all, although Low Blow had to deal with mawkish melodrama from the old biddies on the trails behind PETCETERA who determined that Low Blow represented a threat to society and societies animals which must be defended at all costs. This resulted in less flour and more purple chalk, both opf which LB used sparingly and to devastating effect

And, at the appointed time we left. Slowly at first at a slow trot and descending later into a shambolic ramble as the booze took hold.

The front runners missed the Lynnwood Pub check and were thus deprived of urgently needed amber nectar, but were instead rewarded with their own personal shot check (Fireball & Apple-vitz); which was in-turn denied to those that made the Lynnwwod Pub check. Low Blow's attendance at said Shot Check being mandatory as the trail was substantially unmarked thereafter and required her guidance to bring us through a difficult patch. The chilled hounds left the Shot check heading N alongside the River, beneath the highway and then E towards Seymours Pub and that was where them as wot missed the Lynnwood and the Shot Checkers finally met-up for more beer - yippeee!

After much imbibing we headed off slowly toward the beer check and Chez Blow. The beer check located cunningly behind Plymouth School. Those who had forsaken the trail made their own ways to Chez Blow and were found later soaking-up Blow-Family Chille Con Carne washed down with excellent ale. The Fuzz descended on us with unerring accuracy but were unfazed even though we were captured 'in flagrante' - they appeared to have better things to do relating to things that that go bang in the night. It was amusing to note a number of embittered dads striding up from the depths of the park below the school, their fireworks still dry and whole, having been told-off and sent home by said fuzz.

The, by now, weary hounds at the beer check having slaked their inner dry bits, hurried down the hill in the care of DMF! to join the party at Chez Blow for Down Downs followed by hot food and a thorough, unhurried, soaking of the interior parts with beer. Scrum Guzzler and Squid Lips drank from their new-ish shoes, and an award was given for Best Costume, unfortunately I don't remember who won it, even thought I was judging... So, thanks to Low Blow and the excellent Do Me First! for another Halloween Run, On On!

Next week's run will be performed by Rump Roast and will meet at 1415, Saturday, 05-November-2011 at Douglas Park, close by West 22nd Avenue and Heather Street in Vancouver West.