Vancouver Hash House Harriers

Mar 24 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1326 of 1415, Satuday, 24-March-2012
at
Locarno Beach, Vancouver West
by
Kiss My Ass

Chad (virgin), Gena (virgin), Acidofulous Stump (visitor), Sebastian (virgin), Rarely Comes (Aaron), Daddy Long Legs, Dragon's Bark, Too Much Head, Until Next Week, Manhole, Andrea (virgin), Rump Roast, Pylon & Pero, Plunger, Banshee, Horny, Short Circuit, Cream Filling, Sex with the Beast (walker), Impaler, Dangler, Captain Hymen Grinder, Analyser, Skid Lips, Maple Dick, Sheep Shagger, Abysmal, Beheader (late), Porno Prick & Kiss My Furry Butt Cheeks (hare). Yes folks, thats 29 hounds and a hare!

Kiss My Incredibly Firm & Furry Butt Cheeks was in a tizzy of anticipation - eager, ernest and erratic all at the same time. And with good reason, advice from Plunger, Hardon and Porno was sought and followed, but alas based on incomplete facts: KMIF&FBC had failed to inform her advisors that there would be twenty nine hounds... In other words, according to Shagger, the keg would be consumed at the beer check and there would be nothing left over for Down-Downs! Silly Billy.

This problem was easily solved by handing the hare a wad of bills (no, not a Clinton joke). But, this was the only problem which money could resolve. There were others; what is the difference between a Back Check and False Trail, is 4 oz of flour enough for a 6 Km run, and do these yoga pants make my ass look big?

Anyway, 'twas a truly beautiful day on Jericho Beach, a chilly wind blew ducks off the water while a watery sun blasted down from above. Clothing was adjusted more than once, but finally the moment came and off we scurried. E past Jericho Sailing Club leaving the Brock house to starboard, N across Marine Drive and then W before struggling S up the grassy sward towards Our Lady of Perpetual Help where a Falsie marked a Back Check. Now, this would have been a good place for the hare to utter a prayer and perhaps she did!

We wriggled around in West Pt Grey for a few minutes before striking mostly W towards Westmount Park and thence into the heavily wooded Endowment Lands. In KMIF&FBC's life flour is not just a fungible for those that knead the dough, but ranks right alongside rubies and .999 gold - valued for its rarity and not be shared. So it was with more success that we hunted snark and frumious bandersnatch than blobs of flour on sylvan trails!

After a brief shuffle in the Endowment Lands we dropped down the 'scarp at the W end of Spanish Banks to find BN - and from there it was an unmarked kilometre to the blue bug. We hung on as long as we could, but the last few hounds were enjoying the trail so much that they decided to reprise long bits of it and these were not seen again until Down Downs.

The hare was amply rewarded with the Hash Trash, torn off Skiddy's back, and supported by a new crutch courtesy of M'Alice. Interestingly, KMIF&FBC has a finite limit when it comes to beer, and small wagers were placed to estimate when sufficient fuel would be on-board to allow take-off. The magic number seems to be between four and five beers. You can tell when the magic number has been reached by the counting the number of oaths (beginning with 'f' and ending with 'you', with the odd 'mother' thrown in for good measure) uttered during the course of a minute - more than four is a 'yup!'. In any case, it went very well, supervised by The Captain. Aaron received commiserations and support and was named Rarely Comes. The visitors and virgins received absolutions and just about everyone got their just desserts... yum, yum!

The On-On-On was at that bar on 4th and Blenheim. There is no point writing the name down 'cause it'll be different next week. They were hosting a party for 12 year old girls so it was with trepidation that we assembled our own little fort as far away from them as we could get. However, we need not have worried, they were better behaved, had more bling, and appeared to be better ejamacated than most of us! The food was interesting and there was lots of it and it was served by girls dressed just like the 12 year olds in the corner. WTF? KMIF&FBC slunk off, wobbling, to attach the hash trash to Shagger's bicycle, but despite being caught flagrante delicto remained unashamed!
All in all a beautiful day and so well done Kiss My Ass! Enjoy the hangover!

Next week's run will be hared by M'Alice and will involve hills. On On!

Mar 17 2012

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1325 - St. Patrick's Day Run - of 1415, Saturday, 17-March-2012
at
Murdo Fraser Park, Tennis Courts, North Vancouver
by
Mr. Aw Fuck It & YFI

Now, Saint Paddy, who must not be confused with Palladius, brought insanity christianity to Ireland, and is famous for ending elegant pagan rituals such as all-night orgies and 'find the virgin' (not sure which one came first), killing the Druids at Tara, driving the snakes out of Ireland and generally tuning down the fun-level from pretty-bloody-good to absolutely bugger all. Saint Paddy's Day is more celebrated in New Orleans and Toronto than it is in Eire where drinking does not need to be celebrated once a year as most people do it every day, and may I say do it rather well. Kiss My Furry Butt Cheeks has relatives in Ireland.

Our hare for this event is the esteemed Mr. Aw Fuck It the purity of whose lineage can be traced back to the Australopithecines and which contains not one dot of Irish in it. He was ably assisted by YFI. Kiss My Downy Bubble Butt recently visited Ireland.

Rump Roast, Do Me First, Do Me Later (Sabrina), Dragon's Bark, Kiss My Ass (she has relatives in Ireland), Goes Down Easy, Ann of Green Gobbles (Anne), YFI (hare), Impaler, Low Blow, SwtB (walking), Swish, Plunger, Dangler, Mount Me, Banshee, Pylon & Pero, Pigeon Stool, Swish (returning), Maple Dick, Captain Hymen Grinder, Abysmal, I'll take the Fat Chick, Hardon with Shitty & Roadkill, Daddy Long Legs, Analyser (late), and Mr. Aw Fuck It all made it to the start of the run in cool but clear weather - no rain and even some suuuun... Yes folks, thats 24 hounds and two hares!

Mr. Aw Fuck It's runs are guaranteed to satisfy the elemental needs of hashers - a brief period of exercise followed by the amber nectar. And, the delightful Do Me First lent her talents as Pastry Chef and produced a magnificent Irish Coffee Cheese Cake, while Low Blow produced decorative lick-on tattoos - yum, yum and a very dry mouth after much licking. Mr. Aw Fuck It is part of the North Shore stable of hares which includes Impaler, the said Mr. Aw Fuck It, Mountme, Dangler (the exception which proves the rule), YFI, the Low-Do family, and so on. It is with some optimism that we start this run - hopes of limited pavement, interesting diversions, and a fancy beer check are uppermost in our minds.

In essence the run heads N on the W side of MacKay Creek, passing through the E corner of Eldon Park before crossing over the creek in Upper MacKay Creek Park, over towards Mosquito Creek and thence S through the neighbourhoods and odd bit of green space to the beer check off Crescent View Drive. Our expectations are mostly met, with a little more pavement time than we had hoped for, but not enough to cry over.

The usual lavish beer check is accompanied by chips and pretzel thingies and it is a while before we decide to loiter over to the start for a lavish spectacle of Green-Beer-Fueled Down-Downs led by the chief leprechaun himself, The Captain. The hares are punished, so is Dangler, Anne is named "Anne of Green Gobbles" - "Gobbles" for short, and Sabrina is almost named "Do Me Later", after experiments with 'Do Me Next', 'Do Me Last' and 'Do Me Again' fail to find traction. Of course, we already have Do Me First, and everyone always says they don't like sloppy seconds, but is this really a fact? Kiss My Perfectly Formed Butt Cheeks has family in Ireland.

Porno Prick was de-pantsed by Hardon whilst imobilised with a beer in one hand, the other holding his X-ray vision glasses. No doubt St. Patrick would have had something to say about this but he wasn't there. Trying to slap Hardon without a hard-on proved virtually impossible. Small children ran away quickly whilst their mothers stared in open mouthed astonishment. Even Pero stopped chasing sticks for a few seconds. By the way, Kiss My Arse has relationships in Ireland. Swish received a beer for returning, Mountme received a beer for staying, Analyser received a beer for doing nothing, Dangler got one for bum-fluff.

All in all and excellent afternoon not one second of which was wasted. The On On On was at the Pemby. Damned good show Mr. Aw Fuck It!
On On! to Kitsilano where Kiss My Ass will be haring next week's run much to the chagrin of Malice who was shaggin' elsewhere. We are praying that she will open her Ass Cheeks to the prospect of a run in the hills and none of this sodding about on pavements. Please, please - can you hear me now????????

Mar 10 2012

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1324 of 1415, Saturday, 10-March-2012
at Watershed Park, Delta
by
Plunger!

Woody-woodpecker makes a certain noise when he celebrates the frustration of his detractors, it goes something like this: huh huh huh huh her her, huh huh huh huh her her. Not sure if I've got the onomatopoeic spelling of this right, but you get the idea. So, Plunger (hare), Oregon H3 Male, Oregon H3 Female, Maple Ridge Male, Maple Ridge Female (I bet they all have names, but what are they?), Pigeon Stool, Captain Hymen Grinder, Aaron & Korean Jindo fighting doggy, Kiss My incredibly firm Butt Cheeks, Hardon with Shitty & Roadkill, , Malice, Daddy Long Legs, Dragon's Bark, Dangler, Aw Fuck It, Sheep Shagger, Pylon and Pero, Porno Prick, and Abysmal - yes, folks, that's 19 hounds and a hare! - all made it to the start.


And, so, yes, this was a Woody Wood Pecker run. Plunger greeted us with the immortal words: "there is no pavement on this run!". And, by god, he was right. We ran a complex series of loops tightening a noose around our slender necks, crossing and re-crossing the paths in the woods. Meeting friends running towards us, and then only minutes later, meeting them again. As hounds crossed one's path some joined our group that were crossing, while some from our own group joined those that were doing the crossing. Sometime they came from directly ahead and at other times they crossed our paths at right angles - it was all very exciting. We crossed marks that looked familiar and landmarks that seemed reminiscent of other landmarks seen earlier. In the end we ran about 5~6 kilometres, and somehow coalesced into a single living cell as experience suggested that the beer check must be close by. Shagger was the only one that found the extreme point of the run, and that was only because he was short-cutting and found flour when no-one else could get it.

The beer check was a source of considerable concern as four hashers - two each from Oregon and Maple Ridge -were almost certainly at the beer check chugging down beers meant for us! These four visitors were in the final stages of a race to the bottom of the keg, and thus it was that we utilised our brains and our mobile phones to get to the beer check. This involved still more of the same with hordes of hounds scaling muddy slopes and others pouring down on them from above, all experiencing the desperation of beerlessness.

At last, we heard the beer checkers calling cheerfully into the woods and we all appeared, more or less at the same time, exhibiting a calm visage in the face of immense stress and loss, to enjoy masses of ICED COLD BEER! provided by the hare, together with a laurel and hardy handshake for making it this far.

We hung around as long as we dare, then headed back to the start, and meeting flour here, there, and arrows all around. Down-Downs were expertly administered by our Mast of Ceremonies - Skid-Lips still has the HashTrash, otherwise it would undoubtedly have been worn home by the hare. Shagger was bemused by his Down-Down for finding the turning point of the run accidentally. The keg expired but another was produced and the hounds basked happily in the icy winds until replete with masses of ICED COLD BEER, chips and bonhomie.

At this point the RA put on his X-ray spectacles and Dangler was the recipient of a much needed beer as were many others - Kiss my Furry Butt Cheeks committed another devastating assault on Danglers potatoes which are now mashed potatoes. Anyway, we all benefitted from the excitement. The On-On-On was at the Sundowner Pub where "service" is not a recognized word the server's lexicon, and toothless women with gigantic breasts worship at the feet of the Meat Raffler. Several of us ordered the $8.95 steak special and it was suggested that the steak must have come from somewhere other than Alberta - New Zealand and some such location, but we were not convinced and too hungry to care anyway.

Anyway, it was all good fun and everyone is looking forward to the SUNLUND Splash Hash( see http://vh3.ca/nexthash_SPLHASH.htm and http://sunlund.ca/).

Next week's run will involve more ICED COLD BEER served by the Frogg and Sudds in Richmond and at a secret location to be found by the hounds. This run No.1325 will be hared by the Captain. Be there or be square.

On On!

Mar 3 2012

Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1323 of 1415, Saturday, 03-March-2012
at
Hume Park, New Westminster
by
Pylon

Porno Prick, Low Blow & Lucy, Dangler, Pylon (hare) & Pero, Plunger, Mountme, Banshee, Anne, Goes Down Easy, Analyser, Aw Fuck It, Malice, Kiss My Ass, Too Much Head, Long Lay, Shazzam, Dragons Bark & Daddy Long Legs (Mother Hash Jakarta) visitors, that's 17 hounds and a hare. No Shagger and No Beheader, what the hell is going on?

Hume Park brings back memories (occluded by beer) of many happy runs here long ago - Gobbler, Spew, et al. Our collective memories estimate two years since we last ran here - perhaps a Malice/Pylon run? This is an old park by Vancouver standards, split by Brunette Creek and bounded by North/Columbia, No.1 Highway and the new bus station.

The air ambulance has been forewarned to expect bleeding injuries resulting from brambles, but it is not required as the greatest risk we will face on this run is to our hearing: from the roar of highway traffic as we scurry along the soon-to-be entries and exits of the much expanded highway. Too mUch Head is the exception, he has strange injuries to backs of his legs - was he running away?

After a while, quite a long while, Dangler is persuaded that Shagger is not coming, and we finally set off SW from the park, exiting to Brunette at Braid where we fumble around for a good fifteen minutes before grasping the nettle and shoving off over Highway one and onto the gravel ramp paralleling the highway until we drop down to Blue Mountain and then a steady ascent until we turn W to pass under the highway via the pedestrian underpass. From there we clamber onto yet another gravelled ramp before finally emerging on Columbia just where One passes overhead.

The beer check is on the N side of the park and halmarked "Pylon": 17 hounds, but only sixteen beers! The chips are a welcome distraction. We retreat to the park for Down Downs. Dangler is punished for over-chippage. The Blondes for not being blondes enough, Dragon's Bark and Daddy Long Legs for being in Vancouver for years but not coming to the hash, and so on... The BaldMoFoes are in short supply, but as we scrabble for traction in these uncertain times a menage is put together - a motley crue of new, current and former 'foes.

Kiss My Ass has some kind of fascination with the end of her leg and Dangler's private parts. Quite why is unclear but Dangler is strangely protective of his "eggs" and whenever KMA passes nearby he can be seen entering the foetal position with hands crossed protectively over his loins. Oh, and another thing, look at the people pictures and you will see Kiss My Ass reaching up to make funny finger signs behind the heads of tall hounds - voodoo? Ju-Ju? Zambian quackery? W.T.F.?

Down Downs are conducted with lashings of ICE COLD R&B BEER and all are punished for their sinful behaviour, especially Pylon, but not forgetting Anne and GDE.

Until next week, then!
On On!

Feb 25 2012

Saturday, March 03, 2012

The Vancouver Hash House Harriers
Run No.1322 of 1415, Saturday, 25-February-2012
at
Carisbrooke Park, N Vancouver
by Impaler, assisted by Abysmal

Zam/Xiam/Sjam/Tsam/Tzam/Sam, Long Lay, Too mUch Head, Dangler as skinhead, Mad Dog the well rounded athlete, Hot Tub Hotty aka Goes Down Easy, Cream Puff 'nuff said, YFI, Pylon fresh from the Straits of Magellan and Pero, Mountme not in Dafur, Low Blow fresh from the theatre and Lucy, Do Me First reeking, Plunger faster than a speeding bullet, Skiddy dressed as something very weird, Aw Fuck It, Banshee as himself, M'Alice, Cream Filling as herself Sheep Shagger, Hardon with Shitty and Road Kill, Porno Prick, Impaler, and Abysmal - 20 hounds and two hares!

Abysmal is a lucky chap: Impaler is willing to get-up early on a Saturday morning, lug a huge bag of flour all over the dales and dells of N Vancouver sowing clever trails all the way, AND all on a sniff of cider! Yes, this is why we run on Saturdays' - not for hot tubs with no naked women, nor for seedy city runs, but for soft trails amidst the trees and mountains of the Northshore.

Ah, but the weather... glorious, clear, cool, windy and just right for a romp amongst the evocative British Streets and parks of Victoria's North Vancouver. The assembled throng co-alesces into a meaningful lump and exits W over to Delbrook, Mosquito Creek Park, emerging through Malaspina Park onto Skyline Drive, before settling on the pylon trail and moving steadily W down towards towards Braemar Park and finally to the beer check in Princess Park.

Dangler and Abysmal auto-hashed. Skiddy continues to suffer from confusion about his sexuality despite being tested in Chilliwack by an athletic 65 year-old who won him at Manhole's fete for $20.70! Mad Dog & Pylon were returnees.

The ON ON ON was at the Jack Lonsdale on Lower Lonsdale!

Good one Impaler!
On On!